A charcuterie board is just dry soup
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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“you recording!?”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I’m listening
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Is your wife single?
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP