Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
The photographer’s assistant
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..