Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
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I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
this came to me in a vision
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas