Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
*jazz hands*
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.