Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
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Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now