sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
You Might Also Like
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??