What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
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cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
The real reason evolution started..😂
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.