Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
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Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
The smoothest fall of all time
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.