I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
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I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
🙅🏻
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say