When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
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Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
No. YOU-buprofen.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Kidney stones? Hard pass
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
how it started vs how it ended
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!