I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
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I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk