Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
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you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Me sliding into hell like
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter