If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
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cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?