please stand back I’m about to make this worse
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JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
the Monday after daylight savings
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again