Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
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MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.