my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
You Might Also Like
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
me logging onto twitter
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.