DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.