Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
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do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.