Husband of the year 😂
You Might Also Like
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Me when my alarm goes off
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
how to have fun when you’re poor