This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
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YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot