Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
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“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???