People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Ape together strong
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Cake safety first. Always.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.