*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Not recommended for beginners.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?