[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
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I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
🤣🤣🤣
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.