It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
You Might Also Like
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]