Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
馃摲: elevasseur
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don鈥檛 know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I鈥檓 actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
the joker: lol i鈥檓 going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
What adults say: I鈥檓 just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I鈥檓 fine with you not liking my tweets, as I鈥檓 adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Tax tip: Even if it鈥檚 true, never list your dog as head of household. They鈥檒l roll over under audit.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.