My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
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*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”