Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
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“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured