Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
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Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.