*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want