My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
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Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Realize this:
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.