I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
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me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.