When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
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If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.