My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
You Might Also Like
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.