Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
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It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Stop being racist to kettles.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Beware of the dog..