I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
You Might Also Like
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
then why did i get this email
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
My circle of trust is a meatball
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?