hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
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My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
PER MY LAST EMAIL