Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
And bowling should be called pinball
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix