WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I鈥檝e never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there鈥檚 leftovers so she doesn鈥檛 have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn鈥檛 go to lizard king church. I don鈥檛 even recognize this country anymore.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
馃ぃ
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can鈥檛 get off the toilet.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she鈥檚 not ready for… best 27 seconds we鈥檝e spent together recently.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Hey guys I鈥檓 so thrilled to announce that I鈥檒l no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I鈥檓 so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Doctor: you鈥檒l be fine if you don鈥檛 touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 馃榾
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it鈥檚 two hours.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
if you鈥檝e ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i鈥檇 highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I鈥檓 late
Spider鈥檚 wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider鈥檚 wife: you won鈥檛 be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
happy mother鈥檚 day鉂わ笍