I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
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wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die