If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
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Expectations vs. Reality