My neck, my back, my…
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*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday