TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
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cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy