Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.