Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
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Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
#merica
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life