The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap