Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
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Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.