I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
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I drew y’all a little something.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
The devil.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”