The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
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yes yes a thousand times yes!
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
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If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
LMAO.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Customize Your Wedding.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re