The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
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You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Bruh PLEASE
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”